Thursday, August 27, 2009

Note to my readers: Feel free to pass the link on to this piece. It was rejected by all the usual places I post -- LA Times, Wash Post, Alternet, Huff Post etc. -- as too "over the top." What do you think?

LOrd RupErt MuRdoch aNd Thee Last REpubliKan

By Frank Schaeffer

When Fox News' most loyal watcher -- otherwise known as The Last Republican -- was born he was placed in a small box. His mother fed him through a hole drilled in the side. I'll let The Last Republican tell his own story in his own words:

"WhEn Home SchcOolings beginn theY enlargededd the whoLe just enuf so's I could reAd the Bible through it. I were knot allowed to meet any poeple eXXcept Mom and Dad and there frieEnds. But I have one big woNderful treet-- the TV Set outside my box! It's set to Fox News, 24/7 hours a day all day 7 DaYs a weak.

"One dAy my Mom let me out of my bocs 'to do the will of my Heavenly Father Lord Rupert,' like Daddy sAys. I had to live out in the big evile world of fag-Atheist-Negros Of AmeriCka. But I was safe cause Daddy's strapps my TV To My Face so there'd be no seeing or hEaring Lies. That way even though I was in the sinful world full of fags, Democrats, colleges educates comMunists and Negros, I carries my Very Own Perfect Truth over my face. So I was just like the Bible says so-- 'in the wOrlds but not Of It.'


"While the fAggs and Democrats believe that life on Earth evolve from one selled 'simple orgasms,' I knoW that the Lord Rupert Created The Eorld in Six Days 6000 years ago.

"While figs and Democrits believe that Iraqq has nothing to do with the attacks on 9/11, I know that the Lord Rupert tOld the only trUths and that Saddam Hussein's was responsible and that the Lord Rupert's Best Prophet (except for Glennn BEck) -- George Bush -- was a great man for attaKKKing SadDamm.

"While fags and Democrats believe that the health-care indrustry, and the pharmcuticAl medicsin indUrsty and the insurance indUsty are giant we've-got-you-by-the-balls rip off, I know that if the government regulates the insuranse industry and gives Americans a so-called 'government-sponsored alternative' that deth panls will be noking on my door. Lord Rupert said it and so did Sarah and I believe it.

"While fAAgs and Democrats believe that Obama Hussien Hitler is a negro citizen, I know Lord Rupert Speaks The Truth and that OHuseins is a secret Kenyn Negro and blacker than he looks Hitler a Communist, a babby kiler.

"While fags and Democrats believe that America has sold its suol to Walll St I know that just like my Lord Rupert says, reglating the banking guys, taxing the rich and closing corporate tax looOpholes is just like Socialism like France and America will be taken over by the United Nations because All Taxes Are Unconstitutional.

"While fags and Democrats believe that it's nuts to allow Free White People to carry asssault rifles and ammunition, i Know that All Lord Rupert's children have the Right To Bare Arms and Must Cary Wepons at aL times, specially to publik meeatings where NegrOs is speaking to show The Uppity O'Hussiens that Lord Rupert's children is Fee White Men ready to watter the Tree Of Libertie with the blood of trirants! Lord Rupert says even talking about gun ownership means I must by more guns and ammmo, stock up so when They Will Come to Take Away My Guns won't the Negros get a surprize!

"While fags and Demokrats beleve that immigration is something okay, I know that Lord Rupert is right and that all those people talkin funny are only commming to America to steal welfare and medical and free education and that they should be shot at the border by Lord Rupert's vigilantes.

"While fags and Democrats beleve that America is safer when peopel in other so-called countrys like us, I know because around the world they cheer wen OHusssein speaks that just like Lord Rupert says this meens we're weaker and proves MonkyBoy Is One Of Them!

"While fags and Democrits belive that America is a gret place and say they "love our country,' I hate Amerika for Lord Rupert has told me to fear everyone not liKe Me and there' lotse more of those hear now than Us. Lord Rupert and me know that so-caled "Facts": "education," what other people say, "sience," "homosexul-fags," and anything to do with the The Fredral Goverment or the Left Costs (except for Alasca) is evil. Reel Amerikans like Lord Rupert's is all that's left of descent Americans nOw. So I must hate our cuntry for Lord Rupert's sake til we get her back and make it Our Cuntry again!.

"While, fags, and, Democrats, believ, we, shuld, 'work, together,' to, "make, Amerika, be tter," I know i just'll have to wate, hold my guns and pray because Lord Rupert will come back soon and take, all, the, good ;White/ People? Watching, Fox; TV: away. and kil everyone else. Those Comminists, Musslims, Negros, Fags, Jews, Colege Kids, Demokrats, and anyone who ever said Sara Palin is dumb and people who believe that ObHussein is Amerikan, anyone whwos laughing at Joe The Pumlper, people who don't buy Glennn Beck's book's, All Of You Will Fry!

"My Sweet Lord Rupert is sending me messages and telling me all I need to know To Be Saved! I've got my guns, gold coins, ten years of free-dried food, precious bobilly fluids and my ammo. Lord Rupert tells me my Very Own Personal Truth and My Personale Truth Will sSve Me fRom thE FactS. An SooN it Will Be Time to Act and SheD the BlooD of Tyrants and I Am Ready To Do It and water The Trea Of Libertty!!"

Frank Schaeffer is the author of Crazy for God: How I Grew Up as One of the Elect, Helped Found the Religious Right, and Lived to Take All (or Almost All) of It Back


Annette said...

I love it, great job.

Ken said...

Frank, the first time I heard you utter a word was in Chicago on the How Should We Then Live film tour. There was some technical difficulty, and you felt moved to say something like "if these people worked for me, I'd fire them." I most recently heard you speak in Charlottesville last month, and you bashed the Religious Right (for whom I hold no candle) for demonizing one group after another. You have a point. But has it never occured to you, brother in Christ, that the common denominator in your past views of secular America and your current view of American conservatism is that urge to demonize? I fear for you -- I fear that if you don't get ahold of your anger, you're going to marginalize yourself, and no longer be published in any mainstream media outlets.

hardensc said...

This is a bit over the top. Maybe it would be more appropriate for a political humor format.

In today's column, Cal Thomas wrote of Sen. Ted Kennedy, "Many on the right hated and demonized him, but I don't ever recall his responding in kind."

jameseweaver said...

I forwarded the link to your blog to a friend of mine and he responded: "Wow!.....this entire blog, a lot to ingest, but well worth the time. I laughed myself silly over the satire at the beginning. Over the top? for some, yes, but not for me. Thanx for so much good stuff........"

While I can see why some would consider this particular piece 'over the top' I too was grabbed by the satire and thought it should be more widely disseminated. Would Salon be interested?

Frank said...

I enjoyed it as well, but I must confess that I also share Ken's concerns for you about your anger.

johnson said...

I would say you weren't "over the top" enough and your failure to be true to the voice you were mockingly imitating shows that you follow the winds and as soon as the winds turn towards the Republican party you will be tilting that way.

Specifically, if you had been true to that voice you would have used the word nigger, not negro. You should take a look at the website to find the real patois.

I can pretty much say I agree with all of your current position, but I am not convinced your current position runs heart deep.

Why are you afraid to grasp, and consume to your bones, the truth?

Robert Booth